I'm still me Or: A Human Castiel Is Still Castiel
by sopranish
Summary: Castiel might not be an angel anymore, but he is no less strong in spirit, and does not take to being babied. Of course, eventually he finds out what makes Dean so careful with him, and why. [note: the line "I'm still me" is from Doctor Who, Journey's End] (PG13 /R)


It's raining when Dean and Sam find Castiel just before sunrise, sitting crouched by a mile marker on the highway about 10 miles from the Headquarters. He's sitting with his head on his knees, holding himself tightly. Shaking.

Dean just pulls over, thanking God, wherever the bastard is, that they found him so easily. Sam knows not to question it when Dean throws him the keys, even though he himself is only barely recovered from what he suffered a few hours ago. He adjusts the mirror and sees Dean huddled around Cas, saying quiet things like "It will be ok" and "I've got you" as Cas continues to shake.

Cas is amazed how different the Headquarters looks through human eyes. He remembers seeing things almost as dimly when he had lost the majority of his power, but this is even more severe. It tires him to think about it.

"Let's get you warm and dry, buddy" Sam says behind his shoulder, all sensitivity, trying to make it sound normal.

"Yah," Dean catches on, all protectiveness and action, "Come on, man."

Dean leads Cas to the room where he'd rested last time, a leaden feeling in his stomach. He can tend to any gory wound. But this is something he has a feeling he can't exactly stitch up.

Cas goes in and out as they dry and change him into some pajamas of Dean's. Dean goes red when it comes to taking off Cas's shorts, and Sam takes over the lower half. He would laugh like hell if this were any other moment.

They lean Castiel against the headboard, then. Sam goes off to make some tea, and Dean tries to rouse Cas a little, just to get some basic information. But how the hell does he even do this?

"Hey buddy, you with me? Look at me." Cas does, but doesn't move his head. "I'm sorry to ask. But, brass tacks, is there any more immediate danger here? Is anyone after you?"

Castiel shakes his head weakly, "No. It was Metatron, he's still there. And it's my fault." Dean literally bites his tongue. The guy has got to stop trying to atone and save Heaven before he destroys the universe.

"I don't believe it, Cas. I know you, and I know you fought and tried your best. It's ok. We'll figure out what we have to." Castiel almost wishes Dean would yell at him again; this placating is far more shaming. He feels it in his throat so strongly, no longer the muted reflex of a vessel, but his own tears threatening.

"It's not ok," Castiel says as resolutely as he can.

Sam comes in with the tea, and squeezes Cas's shoulder silently before going toward his own bed.

Cas sips at his tea, surprised how good it feels.

Dean sits next to him on the bed, determined to get him through the night. He puts his arm around Cas's shoulder, rubbing the back of it lightly. "I'm sorry, Cas. We'll think of something. I know you had your heart set on getting home and making it right…" Cas cuts him off with a hard sigh. And promptly falls asleep against Dean's arm.

'Angels don't need sleep', Dean remembers. Well, that probably answers that question. Dean has no idea how to deal with this. Is it still really him, if he's not an angel? If he's human, which Dean isn't quite sure of, will that make him angry? Change his passionate earnestness and everything about who he is? And will he still leave anyway? Cas's head resting on his arm, his hips flush to his own, only reminds him how he'd only ever tried to keep his personal space to keep himself from grabbing the idiot-celestial being or not- and kissing him. Dean tries not to think about it now, not with Cas so vulnerable and small against him. He doesn't know how to help him and be nice instead of just push him again. But that clearly didn't work out.

Dean stays put and only sleeps a few minutes at a time.

Dean comes to at mid day. He gently rouses Castiel.

" 'Morning. How ya doin?" Cas's brows furrow as his Adam's apple bobs in a way Dean tries really hard not to find adorable. And vulnerable.

"I don't know"

"Are you hungry? Do you need to go to the bathroom? Are you hurting?"

"Yes"

"Okay" Dean chuckles a little. "Come on, let's get you going, and then we can get you back into bed."

Dean follows Cas to the bathroom, there to spot him when he teeters slightly. Then the rest of the way to the main room.

Sam's already eating cereal over a book in the main room. Dean pulls his hair as he walks by, because it's just asking for it, and he's just so happy to see him up and being a dork. Sam hardly reacts beyond "ugh". Dean seats Castiel.

Over cereal and ibuprofen all around Castiel tells them the story, everything that happened, how he was duped. He's embarrassed and horrified.

"So that's it. All these angels, my brothers and sisters I tried to save, have fallen. I don't know if all of them even have vessels, or what will happen to the souls of the vessels who didn't have a chance to say 'yes'. I don't even know if it will affect Lucifer. But if I hadn't tried to go after Naomi…"

"Hey, hey," Dean cuts him off, covering Cas's restless hands- definitely something new- with his own. "You did what you thought would help."

"I made things worse."

"But you tried." Cas realizes this does not sound like Dean at all. Dean should be telling him he was an idiot to go off without him, again, telling him no one cares if he's broken. He's being coddled. The anger it rises in him makes him tired. Without thought he stands and goes toward the room he slept in. He can't call it 'his', even in his mind.

Dean doesn't even call after him, he just slams his hand on the table.

"I tried, Sammy, you saw."

"Just give him time."

"Yah yah. How are you?"

"Getting better."

When Castiel appears again, it's evening. Through fully human eyes, things he'd merely noticed before absorb his thoughts now. The graceful curve of Dean's neck, the small crooked smile on his face while he's engaged in reading an email, the slightly gold sheen of his hair under the light, the movement of muscles under his t-shirt. Here was the soul and the he always valued so highly for all of its brilliance, and now he was so rapt by its physical form. It was embarrassing, but it quelled his former indignation as he couldn't seem to focus past all the feelings of warmth and adoration this vision brought back.

Until, of course, Dean started talking again.

"Hey, buddy, how ya feeling?" He starts, forced smile and quietness.

"Hungry again, unfortunately. But otherwise alright."

Dean jumps out of his chair at the chance to do something for him. "Great! Any thoughts on what you feel like eating? Y'know what, don't even worry, I'll make something easy to handle, and it'll be great."

Dean goes off to the kitchen, and again Castiel feels his anger at being handled. He knows Dean's trying, and it just makes him feel worse.

Dean puts a bowl of soup in front of one of the chairs. While Cas eats, Dean tries to get him to chat. Castiel tries to try his patience, just to get some normal reaction out of him. It makes him feel lower and more fragile and vulnerable than anything else, for Dean to be so careful with him.

Cas stares bleakly, not even knowing what to say.

"Cas. Castiel, look at me." He does. "You can hear me, right?" Cas nods. "Cas, look, it really will be ok. Please, don't worry…"

"Dean!" Castiel doesn't quite mean to yell. He stands up and looks down at Dean, as unimpressive as he must look now, "I'm still me. I might be human and devoid of powers and grace, and I need to handle it, but I'm still me. Castiel. The one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition. The one who was so proud when you first showed faith in me and tried to prove myself when you, rightly, lost it. The one who pissed you off by trying too hard when you tried to warn me. I'm still me. Just me." Castiel tries to still look resolute, but he knows his face is nearly pleading. "Please, stop making me feel worse by reinforcing how much less, how much weaker I am now- no disrespect to humans intended."

And Castiel is brought up short because Dean is laughing. And laughing hard. He stands up, wiping tears from laughing so hard.

"Well that is probably the most 'Cas' sentence you could have said, so that leaves no doubt. Look, maybe I'm trying hard, but I just don't want you getting too down, or too confused, on your own. It's gotta be a huge blow and knock you back I… I want you to be ok, and feel comfortable as long as you're stuck here…"

"Dean, I was still a soldier, and action and respect are what make me feel better. And I'm not just stuck, I was going to stay anyway." And now Dean is brought up short, staring at Castiel. He's painfully aware of how close they're standing, he can feel the heat coming off Castiel's body. But he can't move or look away. He needs to know what Cas means. "I was probably going to stay on Earth, if you didn't want me to stay here. I didn't know if I'd still have any power to be useful to you when it was done, but I wanted to be here."

"Castiel," Dean swallows hard. "Cas of course we'd want you here. I want you here. Damn it, Cas, I meant it when I said I needed you."

"I didn't deserve that then, or now," Castiel smiles ruefully.

But before he can say anything else, Dean's lips are against his, pushing, urgent and hard. His hands around Castiel's face holding him in place. Castiel kisses him back, as hard as he can. He had kissed Meg, kissed his human wife as Emanuel, but no kiss had ever felt like this. Once again he can feel the bright spark of that soul, the strength of the man, and it emboldens him. He wraps his arms up Dean's back, appreciating the muscles he himself rebuilt, feels the mouth he himself remade as their tongues sweep and caress. Eventually they part, breathing hard.

Dean keeps them close leans his temple against Castiel's, breath heaving as he says clearly in Castiel's ear, "Don't say stupid shit."

And Castiel chuckles weakly. For the first time in a very long time, he feels like himself, and right at home.


End file.
